I struggled with even writing anything about my grandfather's passing, which happened a little over a month ago, on this blog. Mainly because it's been a really painful subject for me. I guess I've felt that if I didn't talk about it, then it really didn't happen. Except that it did, and I really miss him. I'm sure that each member of my family has their own memories of him - I know that I have many fond memories of him. Tinkering in the shed, putting contests, lunch with him and grandma, the super loud TV, his pipe, his hankies, his adoring grumpiness, snappy wittiness, to name just a few. But more importantly I have had regrets about what I wish I had said to him before he left us. That I loved him very much. I wish I had spent more time with him. I guess we all have felt that way though.
Gavin will never know him the way that I knew him. Though I'm contented to know that my "honey", as I called him, got to hold him - both in the hospital and at his 80th birthday party. He was so excited to hold him, so proud. At least Baeleigh had some time with him. I hope that both of them will be able to spend more time with my grandma.
What made me decide to write this though was one because I just need to get it off my chest, to grieve I suppose, but also because I was reminded a few weeks ago and again after a discussion with my grandma on Thursday about his things that I had a hanky of his. One of his quintessential hankies. The ones that he always kept in his pocket and loudly blew his nose with. He handed me a hanky on my wedding day, in a moment when I was so touched that I had teared up. He gave me that hanky to dry my eyes and had folded it in the same way that he always folded them. I still have that hanky, folded exactly the way that he handed it to me, never washed. And, it never will be. My grandma asked me (and my dad) if there was anything that I wanted of my grandfather's. But I already have what I wanted: the hanky. In my little box of things to remember from my wedding, and that's where it will stay.
I love you "honey".
2 comments:
I still remember when he gave that to you. He was a great man, and the little time I got to spend with him he always made me fell like family. He always asked me about my racing and always seemed to know where my events were. I always enjoyed speaking with him and I felt as if he was my grandfather also. I will definetly miss him.
Crissy & Tommy: This is beautiful, and you should share it with Mom. You have inspired me and I have started my own memoirs to be called "My Deddy." Love, Aunt Cathy
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